Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Competent Hackwork


I get Adam Green, director and writer of the HATCHET “franchise”. When I was 10 years old, I too dreamed of creating my own horror icon like Freddy or Jason or Abraham Lincoln. I too imagined making movies full of gore and gross out gags and boobs; violent adolescent fantasies with no discernible plot or redeeming social value. In truth, I still enjoy these base pleasures, so I admire that a guy like Adam Green comes along and makes his dreams a reality. He’s a fan first and foremost, he’s one of us, and he’s living the dream. I appreciate that, I can get behind it, and hey, I’m even more than a little jealous.

But there’s a problem at the root of this. The filmmakers who made our beloved Friday the 13th and Halloween films weren’t fans. They didn’t give a shit. They were hired to do a job and their main concerns were hitting the hallmarks of the franchise and getting the movie past the MPAA in time for the release dates. They weren’t concerned with playing insider baseball with the fans in the form of stunt casting or slavishness to continuity or winking references to other franchises (well, OK, they did that a little). Hell, they often failed to keep their own continuity straight. But Adam Green is concerned with all of these things, and as a result, his bid at a legitimate horror franchise seems counterfeit.

I’m not trying to knock Green’s skill as a director, although I would say that he's workmanlike at best. What he’s really good at is delivering the kills. His horror hero, Victor Crowley, delivers inventive, ludicrous and excessively gory violence, which is really what every slasher fan craves. On this count, Green succeeds without qualification. Anyone seeking blood-soaked splatter and mayhem should absolutely see the film when it is released unrated (a major feat in itself) on Oct. 1st.

But HATCHET II doesn’t really achieve anything beyond these simple thrills. The plot is belabored and stupid, and the film sits pretty much dead in the water until the killing begins in earnest halfway through. Do I really need to synopsize? Basically, the survivor girl from the first film (now played by tiny, cute-as-a-button Danielle Harris, sadly bringing nothing to the role besides fan credibility) recruits a bunch of rednecks to go back into the swamp to hunt axe murderer Victor Crowley (another fan favorite Kane Hodder). Crowley's already convoluted backstory is added upon, yet the rules of his existence and motives remain so maddeningly vague that even the characters comment on it. Is he a ghost? Can he be killed? What does he want? It doesn't really matter though, 'cause once the rubbery mutant hillbilly shows up the plot pretty much goes at the window, with characters just wandering around the swamp and getting butchered in hilarious fashion.

Speaking of hilarity, there's plenty of hit-or-miss jokes and even more fan service. Aside from the inexplicably bad Danielle Harris, the performances were solid, with Tony CANDYMAN Todd, AJ HOUSE OF THE DEVIL Bowen and the Comic Relief Black Guy being the standouts. There was also a shack-dwelling redneck with good comic timing. I think I was supposed to know who he was, but I didn’t. CHILD’S PLAY director Tom Holland was also in the movie, but I had to be told later who he was. I guess I should turn in my horror nerd membership card or something.

Nah, I’m not gonna do that, it's a good picture of me. Anyway, HATCHET II is deeply flawed, but I can't say I didn't have fun watching it. If you didn’t like the first HATCHET this won’t warm you to the "franchise", but if you did like it, you’ll like this one. Green has grown into a competent hack, er, journeyman director, and this film doesn't have the amateurish vibe of the original. We’re living in an era where fanboys are our new genre hacks, and I don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand, it’s cool to see “one of us” making it, on the other, it’s kind of sad that none of us are really that great.

Except for me. I’m awesome. I’ve got a kick-ass idea for a LEPRECHAUN reboot. I'm thinking Danielle Harris as the leprechaun. Green could direct. "This St. Patrick's day, the blood flows GREEN"!

Holla at me, Adam.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Cuts Like a Knife but Feels So Right













I fully expected my next post to be about PIRANHA 3D, but fate had other plans for me. I did see PIRANHA (without the D) and it was pretty good, but something happened on the way to that viewing that changed everything. The viewing was at the local drive-in, and the happening was the first film in the double bill.

That film was MACHETE.

MACHETE is a film by Robert Rodriguez that began as a fake trailer in 2006’s uber-flop GRINDHOUSE. How it happened that anyone ponied up dough to make a spin-off to a flop is mystery for the ages, but I’m glad they did because MACHETE is fucking awesome. It’s about a former Mexican Federale turned day laborer who gets mixed up in this whole crazy political plot concerning the US/Mexican border, but what it’s really about is how this badass Machete guy mows through his enemies in a hilarious and gory fashion. Machete is played by 66 year-old character actor Danny Trejo in what is sure to be his only lead role as an action hero. With his hard-lined, worn-in face and gruff delivery, Trejo is like a Mexican Charles Bronson. Maybe that doesn’t appeal to you, maybe you like your heroes young and pretty with smooth alabaster skin, in which case I think you can still find the new Twilight movie playing somewhere, but personally I’m going to stick with Danny Trejo. I guess I’m just jaded that way.

As cool as Trejo is, he’s surrounded by an equally cool cast of well-known faces. Probably most surprising is Robert DeNiro as the racist Senator who wants to put an electrified fence along the border. But for me the real standout in the cast was Jeff Fahey, an actor most people know from the hit TV show “Lost” but who I know from the awesome 90’s horror gem BODY PARTS. Fahey excels at playing scumbags, and he tackles his scumbag role in this film as if his scummy life depended on it. Some of the best moments are exchanges between Fahey and Trejo, including a text message gag that is so priceless that I’m going to let you discover it for yourself. The other cast members are good too, and there are memorable turns from Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin and Steven Fucking Segal, just to name a few. I could have maybe done without hot hot Jessica Alba, but my buddy liked her in it so maybe I missed something. She wasn’t as bad as she usually is, I’ll give her that much.

Lindsay Lohan was also in this as Fahey's slutty daughter who ends up as an uzi-weilding nun. I know on paper this sounds like the best part of the movie, but really it was just good for a couple of chuckles. This was the biggest flaw in my opinion: under-used Lohan. You do get to see her body double's boobs though. Oh well.

While Rodriguez fails in Lohan-usage, he really succeeds in nailing the proper tone. This movie pulls off the rare feat of being brutal and fun, just like the drive-in/grindhouse films it emulates. More so than Rodriguez’s own PLANET TERROR and Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF, this movie really gets it. Maybe it was the drive-in setting clouding my objectivity, but I really felt transported watching this. Best of all, I felt that the film had a clever and smart story to hang all the mayhem on, and the prescience of the political subject matter made watching Machete hack up white dudes even more enjoyable. I know that sounds weird, but it’s just how I roll, deal with it.

I think the SUV full of Mexicans parked next to us enjoyed it too, so I guess you could say that MACHETE really brings people together. WITH A VENGEANCE.