Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Competent Hackwork


I get Adam Green, director and writer of the HATCHET “franchise”. When I was 10 years old, I too dreamed of creating my own horror icon like Freddy or Jason or Abraham Lincoln. I too imagined making movies full of gore and gross out gags and boobs; violent adolescent fantasies with no discernible plot or redeeming social value. In truth, I still enjoy these base pleasures, so I admire that a guy like Adam Green comes along and makes his dreams a reality. He’s a fan first and foremost, he’s one of us, and he’s living the dream. I appreciate that, I can get behind it, and hey, I’m even more than a little jealous.

But there’s a problem at the root of this. The filmmakers who made our beloved Friday the 13th and Halloween films weren’t fans. They didn’t give a shit. They were hired to do a job and their main concerns were hitting the hallmarks of the franchise and getting the movie past the MPAA in time for the release dates. They weren’t concerned with playing insider baseball with the fans in the form of stunt casting or slavishness to continuity or winking references to other franchises (well, OK, they did that a little). Hell, they often failed to keep their own continuity straight. But Adam Green is concerned with all of these things, and as a result, his bid at a legitimate horror franchise seems counterfeit.

I’m not trying to knock Green’s skill as a director, although I would say that he's workmanlike at best. What he’s really good at is delivering the kills. His horror hero, Victor Crowley, delivers inventive, ludicrous and excessively gory violence, which is really what every slasher fan craves. On this count, Green succeeds without qualification. Anyone seeking blood-soaked splatter and mayhem should absolutely see the film when it is released unrated (a major feat in itself) on Oct. 1st.

But HATCHET II doesn’t really achieve anything beyond these simple thrills. The plot is belabored and stupid, and the film sits pretty much dead in the water until the killing begins in earnest halfway through. Do I really need to synopsize? Basically, the survivor girl from the first film (now played by tiny, cute-as-a-button Danielle Harris, sadly bringing nothing to the role besides fan credibility) recruits a bunch of rednecks to go back into the swamp to hunt axe murderer Victor Crowley (another fan favorite Kane Hodder). Crowley's already convoluted backstory is added upon, yet the rules of his existence and motives remain so maddeningly vague that even the characters comment on it. Is he a ghost? Can he be killed? What does he want? It doesn't really matter though, 'cause once the rubbery mutant hillbilly shows up the plot pretty much goes at the window, with characters just wandering around the swamp and getting butchered in hilarious fashion.

Speaking of hilarity, there's plenty of hit-or-miss jokes and even more fan service. Aside from the inexplicably bad Danielle Harris, the performances were solid, with Tony CANDYMAN Todd, AJ HOUSE OF THE DEVIL Bowen and the Comic Relief Black Guy being the standouts. There was also a shack-dwelling redneck with good comic timing. I think I was supposed to know who he was, but I didn’t. CHILD’S PLAY director Tom Holland was also in the movie, but I had to be told later who he was. I guess I should turn in my horror nerd membership card or something.

Nah, I’m not gonna do that, it's a good picture of me. Anyway, HATCHET II is deeply flawed, but I can't say I didn't have fun watching it. If you didn’t like the first HATCHET this won’t warm you to the "franchise", but if you did like it, you’ll like this one. Green has grown into a competent hack, er, journeyman director, and this film doesn't have the amateurish vibe of the original. We’re living in an era where fanboys are our new genre hacks, and I don’t know how I feel about it. On one hand, it’s cool to see “one of us” making it, on the other, it’s kind of sad that none of us are really that great.

Except for me. I’m awesome. I’ve got a kick-ass idea for a LEPRECHAUN reboot. I'm thinking Danielle Harris as the leprechaun. Green could direct. "This St. Patrick's day, the blood flows GREEN"!

Holla at me, Adam.

1 comment:

  1. This is great! I feel much the same regarding this "franchise". It seems forced and kinda "meh" to me. Glad I'm not alone!

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