Cuts Like a Knife but Feels So Right

I fully expected my next post to be about PIRANHA 3D, but fate had other plans for me. I did see PIRANHA (without the D) and it was pretty good, but something happened on the way to that viewing that changed everything. The viewing was at the local drive-in, and the happening was the first film in the double bill.

That film was MACHETE.

MACHETE is a film by Robert Rodriguez that began as a fake trailer in 2006’s uber-flop GRINDHOUSE. How it happened that anyone ponied up dough to make a spin-off to a flop is mystery for the ages, but I’m glad they did because MACHETE is fucking awesome. It’s about a former Mexican Federale turned day laborer who gets mixed up in this whole crazy political plot concerning the US/Mexican border, but what it’s really about is how this badass Machete guy mows through his enemies in a hilarious and gory fashion. Machete is played by 66 year-old character actor Danny Trejo in what is sure to be his only lead role as an action hero. With his hard-lined, worn-in face and gruff delivery, Trejo is like a Mexican Charles Bronson. Maybe that doesn’t appeal to you, maybe you like your heroes young and pretty with smooth alabaster skin, in which case I think you can still find the new Twilight movie playing somewhere, but personally I’m going to stick with Danny Trejo. I guess I’m just jaded that way.

As cool as Trejo is, he’s surrounded by an equally cool cast of well-known faces. Probably most surprising is Robert DeNiro as the racist Senator who wants to put an electrified fence along the border. But for me the real standout in the cast was Jeff Fahey, an actor most people know from the hit TV show “Lost” but who I know from the awesome 90’s horror gem BODY PARTS. Fahey excels at playing scumbags, and he tackles his scumbag role in this film as if his scummy life depended on it. Some of the best moments are exchanges between Fahey and Trejo, including a text message gag that is so priceless that I’m going to let you discover it for yourself. The other cast members are good too, and there are memorable turns from Michelle Rodriguez, Don Johnson, Cheech Marin and Steven Fucking Segal, just to name a few. I could have maybe done without hot hot Jessica Alba, but my buddy liked her in it so maybe I missed something. She wasn’t as bad as she usually is, I’ll give her that much.

Lindsay Lohan was also in this as Fahey's slutty daughter who ends up as an uzi-weilding nun. I know on paper this sounds like the best part of the movie, but really it was just good for a couple of chuckles. This was the biggest flaw in my opinion: under-used Lohan. You do get to see her body double's boobs though. Oh well.

While Rodriguez fails in Lohan-usage, he really succeeds in nailing the proper tone. This movie pulls off the rare feat of being brutal and fun, just like the drive-in/grindhouse films it emulates. More so than Rodriguez’s own PLANET TERROR and Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF, this movie really gets it. Maybe it was the drive-in setting clouding my objectivity, but I really felt transported watching this. Best of all, I felt that the film had a clever and smart story to hang all the mayhem on, and the prescience of the political subject matter made watching Machete hack up white dudes even more enjoyable. I know that sounds weird, but it’s just how I roll, deal with it.

I think the SUV full of Mexicans parked next to us enjoyed it too, so I guess you could say that MACHETE really brings people together. WITH A VENGEANCE.